Today I saved a 55 year old veteran’s life. I’ve never seen someone so thankful for anything I’ve ever done and someone so genuinely scared he was going to die. I have never been more proud about what I do, or myself.
And now, I’m sitting here thinking this is the lowest I’ve been in my life. How I want nothing more than to be gone and disappear, and how I’m starting to lose most control of my emotions. I don’t trust myself anymore - I’ve lost all ability to trust.
I have this opportunity to go to Nicaragua for two weeks over winter break to be part of a medical brigade. Which, essentially means that I would be assisting in and providing medical care and education to those who are in need.
While there’s no doubt in my mind that I want to do it, and I couldn’t ask for a better team. The trip is over $2,100 and I don’t have a single cent that I can put towards this. While I understand that they can’t pay for our trip and also the medical care that they provide it’s just frustrating that I can’t go help because I can’t afford it.
Of course there’s fundraising, but in reality that isn’t the most feasible option - I don’t have the time to dedicate to fundraising for it. I’m so conflicted if this is what I ask for, for Christmas and my birthday. I’m also conflicted on how else to get the money.
Ugh - all I want to do is help people and be a good person.
Just when I thought I could stop making bad decisions in my life…
I guess it’s time to enjoy college again.
Not that I ever have, but maybe now is my chance. I won’t feel like a grown up that’s coming back to take classes, just because I’m dating someone who isn’t in school. I can take my friends out to dinner, without being asked why and can do whatever I want with in the limitations of my dog.
I’m not living the sudeo-married life anymore with a cat, a dog, and a boyfriend that lives with me in a small one bedroom apartment.
Instead, I get a 5 bedroom house. My dog has a yard to run around in, I can have whoever over whenever - I can work as little or as much as I want and don’t have to get my shifts approved.
I can date, again. Not, sit in a relationship for 2 years and run to my bestfriend (I’m looking at you Kelly) crying every month because of something he did.
It’s a good time in my life, while of course I’m going to naturally miss anyone in my life that’s been there everyday for the past year - I’m at least going to get the people back that I missed and that missed me once I started dating.
No more sad sack Riley, I can’t do that to people or myself anymore.
Sorry to live blog my break up.
Ive never been so hurt in my life. But I’ve also never realized how many friends and people are willing to just jump up and do anything for me.
I also never realized how low my self worth was because I’m willing to take back a guy that cheated on me twice, that never told me I was worth it, and that asked why I didn’t kill myself.
Where is my old self? Where did the strong Riley that wouldn’t take shit from anyone go? The one that was happy with his looks, and thought he was smart.
When will I get my life before him back? How long is this all going to take? Or will I end up taking him back?
When you found out your boyfriend of a year and a half is cheating on you and then break up inevitably. Best news of the summer. Probably the year.
Fuck my life.
When people say “I know how you feel. Or ” I’ve been there before.” All I can think is that no two situations are the same. Have you sincerely wanted to be gone. Like dead. Every single day for the past 423 days?
Please. Don’t tell me you know how I feel or that you can see that I’m struggling. No shit. I’m aware. More aware than anyone else.
Wait but an ear infection on finals day isn’t okay.
I’ve been selected to pilot the new Advanced EMT certification in NY. :O